When I was younger, I created multiple blogs for myself, hoping that I would be bold enough to speak my mind in a very public space. It was however, an issue I felt ambivalent about. On one hand, I love to express my views. Yet on the other hand, I am a relatively private person.
I would eventually always succumb to my more “rational” side. I did not want to air my dirty laundry on the Internet. More importantly, I did not want my words or my life to be scrutinised by those I might not even know. Generally, it was so much easier for me to have conversations in real life. Unless it’s documented, no one can revisit real-time events/conversations.
In other words, I was afraid. Retrospectively, I think I just did not have enough confidence in my voice. I was afraid of judgement, and I felt that I couldn’t be as good at writing as others are. What if I made a grammar mistake?! What if there was something wrong with my syntax, or my choice of words?! Somewhere or sometime, I began to believe that my writing was childish, choppy and uninformative.
So with each new domain created, I wrote a few posts, and then I left it there to rot. Interestingly, I look back at some of these blogs, and I realise I really enjoy reading what I’ve written. I get to relive my amazing days at Cedar debates, I get to understand why I might have felt so forlorn at a certain period of time, and more importantly, I get to see the evolution of my thoughts and maturity.
(Fun tidbit: I chanced upon a blog I wrote when I was “8 going on 9”! It’s true, I was obsessed with Spongebob. Those days, I spent hours a day, sucking my fingers and watching cartoons. Teehee.)
At this stage in my journey of self-discovery, I know that I am good enough. And the only person who has the autonomy to decide that is me. I love writing, and I am an endless box of chatter. I want this space to be a reflection of the things I’m passionate about. I want to express my thoughts on issues that are close to my heart, I want to share my love for good Halal eats, I want to post great poems I’ve come across, and I want to document my days living life to the fullest (or not, sometimes I just like to Netflix, eat and wither my day away).
After quite a lot of soul-searching, I’m at peace with myself. I know I’m not the smartest, the most beautiful, the most disciplined (and the list goes on)… but I’m content being myself. Life is a never-ending journey of figuring ourselves out. It’s best exemplified by a phrase I’ve come to love and appreciate. It’s the motto of the ACS schools — “The best is yet to be.”
(Interesting tidbit: According to a highly-reliable source called Wikipedia, the phrase is taken from the poem Rabbi Ben Ezra. Quite a beautiful poem.)
This doesn’t mean we live fraught with insecurities about ourselves. The best isn’t about being better than others. It’s about striving to be better versions of ourselves. And from how I see it, implicit within this is knowing that we are capable of doing better, yet nonetheless, appreciating ourselves.
I hope I make each moment of my day count. Over the past few years, my worrying and self-doubt has done me no good. I’ve overcome that, and I cannot be happier. I’ve stopped doubting myself, and I’m no longer going to cage myself because I’m afraid of scrutiny. I’m going to start living life the way I want to!
This blog shall be a chronicle of my upcoming days, and I hope it will be interesting and honest enough to capture your attention. Thank you for reading this!
P.S. I would love to get feedback and constructive criticism. I am totally open to learning new things and being corrected about things I may be wrong about! I also love getting to know people better, so do drop me a “Hello!” if you want to connect.